Star Trek: The Next Sensation Episode 2: Mira-Q-lous PLEASE NOTE!!! The following short story is rated SSS due to extreme levels of silliness and is just about anything besides serious science fiction, so consider yourself forewarned! You are welcome to pass this story around, except for one caveat: 1) Don't make money off it (right, I wish!) Thanks! Paramount is wholly non-responsible for this story, and all standard disclaimers apply. Star Trek and its characters are registered trade marks of Paramount, Inc. Copyright 1994, the lady of shalott All Rights Reserved This story was born as a piece of serious fiction, but due to a heavy dose of sleep deprivation it slowly degenerated into a parody. Please note that the levels of silliness increase exponentially with the page numbers. :P enjoy anyway. or not... * * * [the scenario: we are in the observation lounge. So are the rest of the remarkably unobservant senior staff, who haven't noticed us sitting there with them. The Enterprise is in bad shape. A meeting is in progress.] "I'm sorry, sir. We've tried everything we could do and a few things we couldn't, and there's just too much damage. I can't possibly get the Enterprise moving at even Warp 1 in anything less than two days," Geordi LaForge explained. Jean-Luc Picard sank back in his chair in quiet horror. "There's no way?" Geordi shook his head. "It would take a miracle--a REAL one, as opposed to the ones I usually perform." The captain looked around the conference room. His entire senior staff looked uniformly grim. Not surprising, considering the uniforms. He tugged his down. "Comments?" he asked dryly, not bothering to ask for options. "If the Shelliak find us here, it'll mean war, not just our deaths! And with the increased Cardassian hostilities, Starfleet can't afford that! We've caught up to where we were before the Borg attack, but our enemies haven't been standing still!" Riker said forcefully. "It is nearly certain that the Shelliak will detect our presence within the next twelve hours, sir," Data offered cheerfully. "And the probability of our remaining undetected for the amount of time it will take us to leave Shelliak space is approximately..." Data hesitated. Everyone waited for a moment. "Mr. Data?" prompted Picard, giving his shirt a surreptitious tug. "I am uncertain of the correct procedure to be followed here, sir... I have noted that when I provide exact calculations to extended decimal places I am often cut off, so I am trying to avoid doing so." "So just tell us what the number rounds to in three significant digits or less," suggested Beverly. Data tilted his head. "Very well. In that case, the probability is zero point zero zero." "Forget I mentioned it," sighed Beverly. Picard straightened his jacket. "Mr. Data. If the Enterprise were to self-destruct, would the Shelliak still be able to detect that we had been here?" he asked grimly. Silence filled the room, which did crowd the officers a bit, so they got rid of it as quickly as possible. Data considered. "I am afraid so, sir. The debris of a self- destruct would be identifiable by Sheliak sensors. Once they have done so, they would be extremely unlikely to accept any excuses the Federation would offer for the treaty violation." Picard rubbed his hand over his head. "Well, then, I suppose we might as well start praying!" he muttered. Gasps of shock followed this remark. "Sir!!!" exclaimed Worf. He stared at all of their stunned faces. "It was a joke!" he said, startled. "Perhaps not a very good one, but still..." He trailed off as he noticed that their attention was directed _behind_ him. "Actually a rather _bad_ one, mon capitaine. Your sense of humor really leaves something to be desired." Barely holding back a sigh, Picard turned and found himself face to face with none other than... Q. Despite all that the entity had done to them in the past, Picard could not repress an internal leap of hope. While not exactly a Grade- A certified miracle, Q was at least a potential miracle, if he could be coaxed into performing. Unless, of course, he had shown up to enjoy the unpleasant situation they had found themselves in. "Q!! Why are *YOU* here!!!???" Worf roared. "Mr. Worf, there's no need to yell," Picard ordered. "Sir!! Klingons do _NOT_ *yell*! We growl! We roar!! We snarl viciously and rip our enemies' guts out and eat ghakh!!! We--" "We get the point already!" Picard roared back. Everyone shut up for a few moments. Then the silence started to get too silly, so Picard tugged down his shirt. Everyone else tugged on their shirts too. Riker tugged forcefully. "Q. Why are you here?" Picard asked. "Oh, well, I've been thinking about dropping in for a while now, but the right... hmm... situation just hadn't come up yet," he said airily, waving a hand. "But this seemed like an ideal time to stop by and say hello--or goodbye, as you prefer." Picard knew Q was _fond_ of him. The same way a rather irritating child [like a Macaulay Culkin character] might be fond of a small kitten that he likes to torment, tying small bits of string onto it, making it chase its own tail, giving it baths, that sort of thing. But would that fondness extend to actively helping him? "I'm afraid that our preference has very little to do with it," he responded cautiously, testing the waters. "I didn't say 'you' as in 'all of you,' mon capitaine. I said 'you' as in 'you, Jean-Luc Picard,'" Q explained, smirking. He wondered what the entity meant. Was Q offering him his life, but refusing to help his crew? If so, he mentally swore, he'd deck the damned creature before ordering him off the ship. >It's not fair. I put up with the @&$!#@&* for seven seasons without getting to throw a single punch and Sisko gets to knock him on his wazoo the first time he meets him!< "Exactly what _are_ you saying, Q?" he asked, an edge creeping into his voice. Q heaved an exaggerated sigh. "Exactly what I mean, of course. I'm offering you a deal, Picard. A ticket out of this snarled mess for your ship and all the insects on it that you care so much about... in exchange for a little cooperation on your part." Picard was about to accept, when Riker forcefully reached out a hand and covered his mouth. "Exactly what *kind* of cooperation are we talking about here?!" the commander demanded forcefully. "Mmmf!" said Picard. He would have shaken himself free if Worf hadn't come up and restrained him as well. Picard glared at his crew, none of whom made any effort to help him offer himself on a silver platter to Q for their sakes. [Bad crew!] "You people are so picky!" exclaimed Q. "Let's just say I'm curious about a facet of the human experience. I've come up with a wee little experiment I want to try out, and I've decided that I want Jean-Luc to participate. There, will that do?" he inquired. Riker shook his head forcefully. "Not quite! Would the captain be harmed?! And that sentence was redundant!" Q stared at him. "You are a twit, Riker. What difference would it make? He's going to die along with the rest of you if he doesn't agree! And it was not so redundant." "There's a difference between dying with the rest of us and dying at your sadistic whim!" Riker snapped, forcefully. "And it was so! 'Wee' and 'little' mean the same thing!" "Oh please! If all I wanted was to see humans die I could just hang around and watch. No, he is not going to be permanently damaged in any way whatsoever, so keep your pants on--if you can." Riker's pants suddenly dropped to the floor, revealing white jockey shorts with little purple hearts on them. Everyone except Data (and Picard) snickered. "And I'm omnipotent, remember! I declare that 'wee' and little' no longer mean the same thing! So there." As Riker forcefully grabbed for his pants, Beverly spoke up. "But just when are we going to get him back?" Q shrugged. "Whenever I feel like it, of course." "When might that be?" Deanna asked, receiving only an incredulous look in reply. "Forget it!" said Riker forcefully, holding his pants up. "We're not going to let you enslave the captain to your petty games for the rest of his life! There's another way out of this and we'll find it without your help!" Q smiled a smug little smile. "Actually, there isn't. But you can have a little more time to figure that out--I don't expect your poor little brains to comprehend things as quickly as I can. Ah'll be baaack!" With that, the being flashed out. "Uhh, Commander, I thought we had just established that there _wasn't_ a way out of this setup for us," Geordi pointed out. "We don't want Q to know that!" "I think he already does," Deanna said dryly. "But we can't just hand Captain Picard over to him!" Riker stated forcefully. "You can't be thinking of agreeing to this, sir!" "MMmrrfl!" "Oh, sorry, captain," said Worf, releasing him. Picard tugged his uniform straight. "If agreeing to Q's terms is the only way to save the Enterprise then that is what I will do, is that clear?!" "But sir! We have no idea of what horrible, evil, vicious, cruel, nasty things he might do to you! Why, he could torment you endlessly in thousands of ways that people haven't even invented! What if he--" "That's quite enough, Commander!" Picard cut Riker's forceful tirade off. "Or am I going to have to resort to discipline?" Riker's face flushed forcefully. "No, sir!" "Very well, then." He glanced around the room. "Alert all decks. I want to be notified as soon as Q reappears. Of course, I'll probably be the first to know, since I'm going to sit in my ready room and he'll probably come there to badger and taunt me until I agree to his vile terms. Dismissed." *** Shortly afterward, Picard was sipping some Earl Grey [By the way, Earl Grey tea is great. You should try some. Twinings is the best brand, but don't get their decaf. Benchley's French Vanilla is the only good decaf tea.] Anyway. Picard is sipping away at his Earl Grey when a flash of light poofs in front of him and reveals Q come to badger and taunt him. "So, Q, I see you've come to taunt and badger me," said Picard. "No actually, I've come to badger and taunt you." "That's what I said." "No it isn't! I'm omnipotent! I remember exactly what you said and that wasn't it at all! You said something completely different!..." he trailed off. "Er, what exactly were we talking about?" he whispered. "You, me, badger, taunt," muttered Picard sotto voce. "Oh, OK. At any rate, I'm here to tell you about all my nefarious schemes for you in detail, so that you look really heroic and brave when you accept anyway because you'll be deader than a doornail if you don't." Q was still whispering. "Oh. Well, you'd better get started then, hadn't you?" Picard whispered back. "Right!" Q cleared his throat and made a few more poofs of light just for effect. "I suppose you would like to know exactly what I have planned for you, Picard!" he declared loudly. Picard adjusted his uniform dramatically. "I'm not in a position to refuse you, Q, no matter what your *sick* and *twisted* plans are. What do you want from me?" "What do I want? What do I WANT?" Q seemed slightly agitated. "Yes, that *was* my question." "Fine then! I'll TELL you what I want! I want YOU, Picard! All of you! I'm tired of sitting around listening to Vash reminiscing about all your fabulous sex techniques, especially that French twist thing she never stops talking about! It drives me crazy! Listen to me! I'm talking like Riker! Aaagh!" Q jumped up and down several times. Suddenly a Paramount official in a three-piece suit came running out of nowhere. "OK, hold it right there! You can't say that! There are no homosexuals in the 24th century!! There aren't even any bisexuals! We promised the advertisers! We even killed off Roddenberry when he was going to put some on the show!!!" Q turned him into a turnip. The turnip made small burbling noises for a few more moments until it realized it had no vocal cords. The Q turned back to Picard, his eyes burning with passion. "So now you know the truth, Picard! I have been secretly lusting after you since the first time we met! And now, at last, I am going to have my way with you, you sexy bald hunk!" "Well, why didn't you say anything before?!" Picard demanded, his voice trembling with emotion. "First you play games with me, then you take off with Vash--how was I supposed to know how you felt?" "You--you mean--you *care*?" Q gasped. "But, I only did all that to get your attention. And the only reason I put up with that Vash creature is because she would tell me about all the naughty things you did with her! I was afraid to tell you how I felt!" "Why do you think I surrendered to you without a fight in the first episode? Everyone always thought it was some stupid mistake on the writers' part, but the truth is I've wanted you since you showed up, accused me of being a savage, and started tormenting me," Picard cried. "Oh, Jean-Luc...!" "Oh, Q...!" ********************************************************************* We apologize for the excessive silliness in this story. Those responsible have been sacked. THE END